Saturday, January 7, 2012

Dear Friends...THIS is why I BLOG...

Bonjour from Campagne Maison

As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS by email now that  rat poo is in the glue on envelopes making it necessary to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use any one's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

AND, YES...I received every bit of this information via email!!
Thanks for stopping by the farmhouse for a visit today! We love having company.

Au revoir,


Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for that letter!!! I have been a little depressed the last few days but, all you have on your mind made me realize my thoughts are nothing compared to what you are going through. Lol
I love your Blog!!! And I love you, more than words can say.
Look forward to seeing you on your visit to Arkansas.
Keep up the great blogging!!!
God Bless and take care of yourself.
You are in my thoughts often and remain in my heart, always.
Love, Nicki

WendyBee said...

Man, I've been living all wrong...

Lorrie said...

ah yes, the paranoid way to live! Good thing we can laugh at this.

Sea Witch said...

LM "freakin" AO!!! You made my day...and that is "why I" blog.
Sea Witch

Anonymous said...

Maybe you need to give up email?
And facebook, as it is also the harbinger of bad news.
I have also heard breathing is bad for us...

Anonymous said...

Now I am in the same boat as us with all these new worries. TL

Ana said...

Hi Jacque,
I was reading your post to my daughter and hubby...You had us in stiches. Thanks for the info? Yikes! Hee, hee, hee. Sending you a great big hug.

Much love,

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Teresa@oursoutherncountryhomeandfarm said...

OMG, this is absolutely hilarious! I am your latest follower. Thanks for stopping at my place and visiting.